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    As diners at a McDonald’s in Florida enjoyed their Big Macs, a 62-year-old man removed his clothes and performed a “strange dance” before apparently “trying to have relations with a railing,” according to a police report.

    Investigators say that John Morgan was arrested Sunday after his impromptu 7:30 PM performance at the restaurant in Collier County. Charged with trespassing, the homeless Morgan was booked into the county jail on the misdemeanor count. He is scheduled for arraignment on July 3.

    Sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to the McDonald’s due to a report of “Male taking clothes off doing a strange dance, subject possibly on drugs.” A 911 caller also reported that “it looked as though the male was trying to have relations with a railing.”

    When cops arrived at the restaurant, they encountered Morgan, a regular guest at the county jail who had “been trespassed from this McDonald’s for a previous disturbance he had caused.” 

    Picture above, Morgan, who performed his dance near the McDonald’s front door, has a long rap sheet, with collars for battery; disturbing the peace; trespass; carrying an open container; and disorderly intoxication.

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    Health officials are encouraging patients of a Michigan doctor to consider HIV and hepatitis testing after state investigators charged that the physician reused rectal devices at his Kalamazoo-area clinics.

    The state’s Department of Health and Human Services yesterday issued the testing guidance for patients of Dr. Roger Beyer, who owns Urological Solutions of Michigan and Women’s Health Care Specialists.

    In a May 21 administrative complaint, the Department of Licensing and Regulatory Affairs alleged that Beyer’s practices reused a “rectal pressure sensor” (seen above) despite the fact that the device is only approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for single-patient use.  

    The disciplinary complaint against Beyer (pictured at right) states that three nurse practitioners told investigators that the rectal sensors were used on multiple patients.

    One nurse estimated that “a sensor was used over 100 times before being replaced.” A second nurse said that the device “was cleaned occasionally and re-used on multiple patients” and that she was trained to place the device in a “non-latex glove before inserting it into the patient.”

    The device’s manufacturer, Prometheus Group, includes a “warning in the packaging alerting practitioners that this device is meant for single-patient use,” the complaint notes.

    The complaint charges Beyer with negligence, failing to conform to “minimal standards of acceptable, prevailing practice for the health professions,” and adulterating a medical device.

    According to Beyer’s web site, he is “board certified in OB/GYN and Uro-Gynecology” and is “internationally recognized as an expert in the pelvic floor and is a highly regarded pelvic floor surgeon.”

    doctor, Michigan
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    Since some of you have asked for it, here is the police report detailing the arrest of the 21-year-old Florida Woman whose boyfriend alleged that she “grabbed him by the balls and squeezed them until they were bleeding.”

    Katie Lee Pitchford was arrested Tuesday following a 4 AM altercation with the victim at the couple’s Indian Harbour Beach residence.

    Seen at right, Pitchford was charged with domestic battery, a misdemeanor. She also faces a probation violation charge in connection with a 2017 felony case for resisting a police officer with violence (Pitchford kicked a cop in the face, groin, and leg after she was found rummaging through a stranger’s car).

    According to the June 4 battery report, Pitchford “became enraged and struck her boyfriend with a brush” and punched him in the face.

    When cops interviewed the man, he had blood running down his face and his left eye “was starting to bruise.” The victim recounted the alleged testicle throttling, adding that Pitchford also choked him.

    While Pitchford denied to police that the duo’s dispute turned physical, she asked an officer if she “could talk to the victim because she wanted to say she was sorry.”

    Pitchford, who was booked into the Brevard County jail on $1000 bond, has been ordered by a judge to have no contact with the victim. She is scheduled for a June 25 arraignment.

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    A career criminal with multiple narcotics convictions on his rap sheet was wearing a shirt with “red lettering on the front that said ‘COKE’” when he sold four crack cocaine rocks to a Florida informant, according to an arrest affidavit.

    Terry Leon Simmons, 53, was arrested Friday afternoon at his home in Fort Pierce on a felony cocaine sales charge. He was also hit with a second felony count after arresting officers spotted a marijuana joint and a bag of MDMA in plain view inside the residence.

    Cops charge that Simmons sold crack cocaine to a confidential informant who pulled up outside of a convenience store a couple of blocks from the ex-con’s apartment.

    At the time of the $40 transaction, Simmons was wearing a “two toned blue shirt with red lettering on the front that said ‘COKE’ on the front.” The affidavit does not indicate whether the lettering was in the style of the popular soft drink.

    Seen above, Simmons is being held in the St. Lucie County jail in lieu of $55,000 bond.

    According to court and prison records, Simmons has repeatedly been convicted of possessing, purchasing, and selling cocaine. Since 1991, Simmons has spent a total of nearly 17 years in Florida prisons (in addition to significant time spent in county jails). He was most recently released from the state system in February, after spending more than three years in custody for cocaine possession and tampering with evidence.

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    If you are feeling blue and need someone to talk to, do not call the 911 operator to chat.

    Police allege that Jeffrey Gorton, 55, dialed the emergency dispatch number 17 times between Wednesday and Thursday this week. The Florida Man explained that he called 911 because “he was lonely and needed someone to talk to,” according to a criminal complaint.

    Gorton was warned, cops say, that if he persisted contacting emergency servives “without the need for such services he would be subject to arrest.”

    Seen in the above mug shot, Gorton was busted yesterday morning for misuse of the 911 system, a misdemeanor. He was arrested at his home in Holiday, a Tampa suburb.

    Gorton was on the phone with a 911 operator when police arrived at his residence.

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    A Florida woman told police that she stabbed herself in the stomach with a kitchen knife because, “I’m tired of living in Trump’s country, I’m tired of Trump being president.”

    Cops found the 46-year-old woman standing outside her residence in Palmetto Sunday, according to a police report. She had blood all over her legs, hands, and face, a cop noted.

    When asked what was wrong, the woman lifted her shirt to reveal “three stab wounds on [her] stomach that were still bleeding.” She then told the patrolman she had “stabbed herself because she does not want to live in Trump’s country.”

    The woman was subsequently transported by EMS workers to a local hospital “under trauma alert.”

    After evaluating the woman, a cop concluded that there was a “substantial likelihood” that she “will cause bodily harm to herself and/or others.” As a result, the officer appears to have recommended that the woman be involuntarily admitted to a mental health treatment facility (per the state’s Baker Act).

    The report states that the woman said she “has been Baker Acted before and has attempted to hurt herself in the past.”

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    What do you say when a fellow library patron turns a corner and spots you, penis in hand, furiously wanking away?

    “Oh, hi,” is what Leroy McFarland, accused public masturbator, came up with Friday afternoon when his illicit pleasure session at a Sioux City Public Library branch was interrupted.

    McFarland, 44, “looked surprised” and sought to cover himself with his sweatshirt when the female witness spotted him, according to a criminal complaint charging him with indecent exposure.

    A cop working at the library subsequently approached McFarland, who apparently kept touching himself after initially being spotted.

    As McFarland was being walked to a police squad car, "a sex toy fell off of him," states the complaint, which does not further describe where the item “fell” from. A search of McFarland yielded two other sex toys from a sweatshirt pocket.

    McFarland is being held in the Woodbury County jail in lieu of $1000 bond. He is scheduled for a June 11 court hearing.

    McFarland’s rap sheet includes convictions for assault; trespassing; drunk driving; disorderly conduct; narcotics possession; public intoxication, criminal mischief, possession of drug paraphernalia; and violating a protective order. According to court records, McFarland resides at the Sioux City Gospel Mission, a homeless shelter.

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    Sorry, Toilet Snake, you have been replaced by Kitchen Alligator.

    Police were called early this morning to a Clearwater, Florida residence after the homeowner reported that an 11-foor alligator broke into the condo via a ground-level window.

    The 3 AM home invader was subsequently corralled by a trapper (but not before the alligator toppled furniture and broke a bottle of wine). Cops reported that there were no injuries during the incident.

    The Clearwater home where the alligator briefly resided is adjacent to the 11th green at the Gary Player-designed Countryside Country Club. The hole includes a large lake from which the alligator may have emerged.

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    A police examination of Jussie Smollett’s text messages revealed that on “various occasions” over the past year, the actor/hoaxster requested that an associate procure him cocaine, Ecstasy, and marijuana, the payment for which was transmitted via the Venmo app.

    Smollett’s alleged narcotics purchases are referred to in a police report that was among hundreds of pages of documents released today by the Chicago Police Department. The material details the department’s investigation of Smollett’s claim that he was the victim of a hate crime attack in late-January.

    Pictured above, Smollett was eventually charged with fabricating the assault tale. Investigators alleged that Smollet paid $3500 to two brothers--Olabinjo and Abimbola Osundairo--to help stage the attack. In late-March, the Cook County prosecutor dropped criminal charges against the 36-year-old performer, a decision that was blasted by Chicago’s mayor and police commanders.

    A search warrant for telephone records revealed communications between Smollett and his drug contact that began in late-February 2018. It appears that the search warrant was for the phone records of Smollett’s associate (who appears to have been Olabinjo Osundairo).

    In the texts, Smollett would request "weed, molly, or Whitney," according to the report. “In particular, weed is slang for cannabis, molly is slang for extacy, and whitney is slang for cocaine,” an investigator wrote.

    The report contends that there were “multiple occasions” when Smollett apparently used Venmo to pay for "illicit activity" that was claimed as “payments for legitimate expenses.” For example, cops say that when Smollett paid $100 for Ecstasy pills in September 2018, he listed “Training” as the reason for the Venmo transfer.

    During the police probe, a Chicago detective contacted a Venmo official who agreed to preserve records of Smollett’s account until police could secure a subpoena for those documents.

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    The wiseass who identified himself as “Ben Dover” when police found him in a Florida park after hours has been sentenced to pay a $500 fine in connection with his no contest plea to an obstruction charge, records show.

    In November, a sheriff’s deputy got into a confrontation with a man whom he sought to remove from a park in a St. Petersburg suburb. Asked to identify himself, the suspect “responded by stating his name was ‘Ben Dover,’” the officer reported.

    After giving the cop the finger, “Dover” got in the deputy’s face “as if he was going to hit him.” The suspect subsequently ran away, but was collared after a short chase.

    “Dover” was, in fact, Andrew Leighton, 22. He was arrested for obstruction and resisting an officer.

    In a plea deal this month, a County Court judge ordered Leighton to pay $500 in combined court and prosecution costs after he entered a no contest plea to a single misdemeanor charge.

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    Meet Cody Cummins.

    The 27-year-old unemployed cook was beaming when he posed for a mug shot following his arrest for allegedly hitting his mother in the head with a corn cob Saturday evening.

    According to cops, Cummins “intentionally and unlawfully” threw a corn cob that struck the 56-year-old woman in the head. “The Victim was hurt but did not have any physical injuries,” police reported.

    The incident--characterized as a domestic battery by cops--occurred in the Tampa, Florida-area home where Cummins and his mother reside.

    Cummins, who fled the residence after allegedly flinging the corn cob, was arrested around 3:30 AM Sunday. He is being held in the county jail in lieu of $150 bond.

    Cummins’s rap sheet includes an armed burglary conviction for which he spent more than three years in state prison. Last year, Cummins’s mother received a temporary domestic violence injunction against him, though that action was voluntarily dismissed two weeks after it was filed.

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    Four years after an auto burglar committed one of Iowa’s most heinous crimes, police have failed to bring the suspect to justice.

    In late-March 2015, a burglar broke into a truck parked outside the Southridge Senior Residences in Des Moines. Patrick William Gould, 64, told cops that the suspect entered the vehicle around 3 AM by “forcing the drivers side door lock open with some unknown blunt object.”

    The suspect then apparently tried to start the vehicle by breaking apart the plastic around the steering column and attempting to “break the switch on the steering column.”

    While the burglar failed in boosting his ride, Gould reported that the thief did swipe an item from the truck's bed.

    “At this time there are no witnesses nor suspects to the crime,” a Des Moines Police Department officer noted at the time.

    A police report valued the stolen property at $1, though that might have been a generous appraisal.

    burglary, Iowa
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    A Florida Man accused of stealing $1450 that was being counted by an Arby’s cashier told police that the money “was like calling out to me” before he grabbed the bills and bolted from the restaurant.

    Cops charge that Christopher Merrick yesterday entered a closed Arby’s in Tarpon Springs around 9:20 AM as a female worker was “counting the cash for her cash drawer.”

    When the employee walked away from the counter, Merrick, 30, allegedly grabbed the cash and raced out of the store--with the Arby’s employee on his heels. Merrick, pictured at right, ran to a neighboring McDonald’s, “where he hid in the women’s bathroom.”

    Merrick was subsequently arrested by Tarpon Springs Police Department officers who found the stolen cash “in the trash can of the stall where the defendant came out from.”

    Merrick reportedly confessed to the theft, saying, “I saw the money on the counter and it was like calling out to me.” Merrick, cops reported, said that he knew he had done “something wrong and put the money in the trash can" at Arby's (seen below).

    Charged with grand theft, a felony, Merrick is locked up in lieu of $2000 bond. He was released from the Pinellas County jail on May 10 upon completion of a sentence for felony battery. Merrick’s rap sheet also includes convictions for theft, burglary, narcotics possession, and violating probation.

    Arby's, Florida, theft