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  1. DOCUMENT: Friday Photo Fun Match Game

  2. DOCUMENT: Among Those Caught "Goin' In" This Week

  3. DOCUMENT: Pastor Pleads To Deep-Frying Bid On McDonald's Worker

  4. DOCUMENT: Woman Again Busted For Domestic Dildo Battery

  5. DOCUMENT: Friday Photo Fun Match Game
  • September 30, 2011

    It Now Appears Anwar Al-Awlaki Will Never Again Enjoy The Company Of A Street Hooker

    Now that Anwar al-Awlaki has been incinerated by Hellfire missiles fired from Predator drones hovering in the Yemeni sky, we’d like to remember the U.S.-born Islamic scholar as an ordinary guy who loved getting fellated by street hookers and enjoyed inspiring wannabe jihadists.

    Before decamping overseas, al-Awlaki was twice arrested on prostitution charges while living in San Diego. Seen in the above mug shot, al-Awlaki was convicted in both late-90s cases, but avoided jail time. Instead, he was fined, placed on probation, ordered to perform community service, and directed to attend an AIDS education course.

    Funeral arrangements for the 40-year-old whoremonger have not been announced.

    Anwar al-Awlaki, Osama bin Laden, pornography, prostitution, terrorism
  • September 28, 2011

    Feds Say Terror Suspect Wanted To Use Model Planes To Launch Bomb Attacks

    The Massachusetts man charged today with plotting terror attacks in the United States allegedly wanted to use remote-controlled model airplanes loaded with explosives to bomb the Pentagon and U.S. Capitol.

    Rezwan Ferdaus, 26, was busted for attempting to provide material support to a foreign terrorist organization (al Qaeda). As seen above, attached to a felony criminal complaint filed today in U.S. District Court in Worcester were photos (click to enlarge) of two of the aircraft that Ferdaus planned to load with C-4 explosive.

    According to the FBI, in a recorded conversation with a cooperating witness, Ferdaus explained that his “small drone airplanes” would have been guided to their targets by GPS equipment.

    A footnote in the criminal complaint describes the models as small-scale versions of an F-4 Phantom (top photo) and an F-86 Sabre. Both hobby aircraft bear Navy markings, while the tail of the F-4 has a Playboy logo, a favorite of infidels everywhere.

    al-Qaeda, terrorism
  • September 28, 2011

    Feds Arrest TSA Agent For Her Role In Alleged Phony Marriage Scheme

    A Transportation Security Administration agent was arrested this week on federal charges for her role in an alleged phony marriage scheme that sought to secure U.S. citizenship for her purported spouse, a Lebanon native.

    The case against Krista Taha, 34, is, in part, based on information provided by two male TSA agents who told investigators that they dated her while she was reportedly married to Ali Taha, who was also named as a defendant in a felony criminal complaint unsealed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Detroit.

    Taha, pictured above, and one of the male TSA agents are the parents of a four year-old boy.

    The federal criminal complaint does not detail Taha’s alleged motive for taking part in the sham February 2002 marriage (or whether she was paid in return for the marriage vows). Taha, charged with conspiracy and making false statements, has worked as a TSA agent at the Detroit airport since late-2002.

    TSA
  • September 27, 2011

    Conrad Murray’s Lawyer Misspells Michael Jackson’s Name On Chart Shown To L.A. Jury

    Lawyers for the man charged with the manslaughter death of Michael Jackson actually misspelled the King of Pop’s first name in a chart shown today to jurors during the defense’s opening statement in a Los Angeles courtroom.

    As seen above (click to enlarge), the chart placed on an easel by Ed Chernoff, attorney for Conrad Murray, spells the first name of the world’s most famous entertainer “Micheal.”

    L.A. prosecutors today also ran into spelling problems during their opening statement. As seen here, on one of the slides shown to jurors, the word “pronounced” was missing the second “n.”

    Conrad Murray, Ed Chernoff, Michael Jackson
  • September 27, 2011

    L.A. Prosecutors Display Photo Of Michael Jackson Dead On Hospital Gurney

    Los Angeles prosecutors today began their opening statement in the Conrad Murray manslaughter trial with a bang, projecting a photo of a dead Michael Jackson on what appears to be a hospital gurney.

    As seen above, the photo was taken shortly after the singer’s June 2009 death from an overdose of the powerful anesthetic Propofol.

    Jackson’s autopsy report can be viewed here.

    Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson, propofol
  • September 27, 2011

    Plastered College Student, 18, Coins New Term During Arrest In Iowa City Alley

    Meet Christopher Janson.

    The University of Iowa student was arrested late Friday night for public drunkenness and indecent conduct (for peeing in an Iowa City alley). Janson was collared after cops spotted him “almost falling over when zipping up his pants.”

    When confronted by officers, the 18-year-old Janson--who smelled of booze and had slurred speech--coined a phrase never previously seen in police reports.

    Concerned about possible criminal charges, Janson asked Iowa City cops about the criteria for “publicurintoxication.” That marvelous conflation of misdemeanor activities--which, in Janson’s defense, do often go hand in hand--is not currently seen in the state’s official criminal statutes.

    Iowa, public intoxication, public urination, University of Iowa
  • September 27, 2011

    Turns Out That $65,000 Is What It Costs To Book The Cake Boss

    In news that will likely crush Bret Michaels, MC Hammer, Loretta Lynn, and Gavin DeGraw, the New Jersey baker known to cable TV viewers as the “Cake Boss” earns more per appearance than those touring acts, according to contract records.

    Buddy Valastro, star of TLC’s “Cake Boss,” pockets a whopping $65,000 per gig on his current “Bakin’ with the Boss” tour. Attendees at a Valastro show hear the 34-year-old baker talk about cakes, demonstrate cake decorating techniques, and share behind-the-scene stories from his TV program, which is filmed at his family’s Hoboken bakery.

    Valastro, pictured at right, earns more than many established musical acts, including Michaels ($64,000); Hammer ($40,000); Lynn ($40,000); Skid Row ($13,500); DeGraw ($10,000); and Tone Loc ($5000).

    Members of REO Speedwagon, however, will be pleased to know that they still earn ten grand more per show than the famed cake decorator.

    Buddy Valastro, Who Earns What?
  • September 23, 2011

    Today’s Best Police Sketch Features Man With Abnormally Large Tooth, Fondness For Home Invasion

    Cops in Anderson County, South Carolina have released this sketch of a man wanted in connection with a home invasion earlier this month.

    The artist’s rendering is based on descriptions provided by an elderly woman whose home the man entered at 1 AM on September 11. The intruder demanded money from the victim, who told cops that the perp wore a knitted hat and had teeth in need of a dentist’s attention.

    Investigators have asked anyone with information about the suspect to call them at (864) 260-4440.

    [And, yes, as some commenters have already pointed out, the wanted man does bear some resemblance to “Mushmouth,” one of Fat Albert’s cronies.]

    police sketch, South Carolina
  • September 23, 2011

    Another Octogenarian Named Ola Mae Arrested For Selling Crack From Her Home

    Meet Ola Mae Robinson.

    The 81-year-old Alabama woman was arrested this week for allegedly selling crack cocaine from her home in Prichard, a city outside Mobile. Cops reported that a search Wednesday of the octogenarian’s home turned up cocaine and prescription pills that she was peddling.

    As seen in the above mug shot, Robinson appeared to be wearing a neck pillow when she was booked into the county jail.

    Known as “Mama,” Robinson’s rap sheet includes previous convictions for narcotics sales. During a previous police raid at her home, investigators found a green tin (“marked sugar free mints”) inside her purse. The tin contained crack cocaine. Her purse also contained pill bottles containing Xanax and the painkiller Hydrocodone.

    Despite her advanced age, Robinson is not, remarkably, the oldest crack dealer named Ola Mae. That distinction goes to Floridian Ola Mae Agee, who was sentenced last October to 18 months in prison. Agee, who was 87 at the time of her conviction for cocaine distribution, died in prison last December.

    cocaine, gray menace
  • September 22, 2011

    Ne-Yo Earns $175,000 Per Concert...And Uses Ketel One Vodka To Clean His Clothing

    Along with pocketing $175,000 per show, the R&B singer Ne-Yo requires concert promoters to stock his dressing room with three bottles of pinot noir, three bottles of riesling, and two bottles of the very pricey Ace of Spades champagne, according to his 2011 tour rider.

    The performer (real name: Shaffer Smith) also needs one bottle of Ketel One--but not to actually drink.

    The 31-year-old singer stipulates that the vodka be placed in his wardrobe room, where it will be “Used for cleaning.” The rider, excerpted here, does not further describe whether garments, surfaces, or performers are being cleansed with the 80 proof spirits.

    Ne-Yo’s vodka request (never previously seen by TSG on a tour rider) is likely to prompt attempts at one-upmanship in hip-hop circles. In fact, it is likely that Rick Ross will demand Hennessy sponge baths at his next gig.

    Ne-Yo’s dressing room--carrying a sign reading “The Gentleman”--must also be outfitted with Dove body wash, Listerine, Crest toothpaste, Nivea spray deodorant, Advil, a “medium bristle” toothbrush, DayQuil sinus medicine, and Nivea or Jergens lotion.

    Ne-Yo, vodka, Who Earns What?
  • September 22, 2011

    Nebraska Educators Issue Grinding Alert In Advance Of High School Homecoming Dance

    Teenage attendees at tomorrow night’s homecoming dance at a Nebraska public high school are on notice that “inappropriate dancing”--including “freaking,” “juke dancing,” and any exhibitions of grinding--is prohibited.

    In a letter sent home with Lincoln Southeast High School students, school administrators sought to provide a “clear and specific” definition of what amounts to outlawed dance floor behavior. As seen here, the letter informs parents that, “YouTube.com can help you become familiar with these terms if you so desire.”

    Inappropriate dancing, school brass report, includes “’hiking-up’ of skirts and dresses” and “leaning against the wall while dancing.” Also, “feet that are raised off the floor and hands that are touching the floor” will not be tolerated.

    Those caught engaging in improper dancing during the Prasch Gym event will receive a warning. If, after being cited, they continue freaking/grinding/juking, a parent will be summoned to escort them home from the event.

    Last year, Wisconsin educators drafted a similar letter in advance of a high school dance, warning that “sexual bending” was forbidden.

    freaking, grinding, Nebraska, school dance, sexual bending
  • September 21, 2011

    Kansas Man, 21, Busted For History's Most Pathetic Burglary Of A Sex Shop

    In a remarkably botched (and embarrassing) burglary, a Kansas man yesterday allegedly broke into a sex shop and stole six X-rated movies.

    Well, actually, Juan Aguirre is accused of pilfering six empty DVD cases. The 21-year-old apparently was unaware that the cases he pinched were for display, and devoid of the corresponding discs. Aguirre is pictured in the above mug shot.

    According to the Salina Police Department, Aguirre early yesterday shattered the front door glass at Cirilla’s, causing $500 in damages. During a canvass of the area after the break-in, cops questioned Aguirre, who was spotted riding a bicycle in the vicinity of the sex shop.

    A search of the suspect’s backpack turned up the DVD cases and a sledgehammer head that was attached to a rope. In a sad epilogue to the burglary, investigators valued the recovered DVD cases at only $5 apiece, according to a Salina Police Department report.

    Charged with burglary, criminal damage to property, and theft, Aguirre is being held in the Saline County jail in lieu of $6000 bond.

    burglary, Kansas, sex shop