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    There has been a domestic taco battery, Florida police report.

    Braiden Lankford, 20, was arrested late Saturday evening for allegedly striking her mother in the head with two thrown tacos inside the family’s residence in the Tampa Bay area.

    According to an arrest affidavit, Lankford and the 50-year-old victim were arguing about the “cleanliness of the house” when Lankford “became upset” and “threw two tacos from the dining room.”

    The tacos struck the victim in the head as she was sitting on a couch. When cops arrived at the home in Largo, “the victim had food debris all around her on the couch and on the back of her shirt,” a police officer noted.

    Cops say Lankford, seen at right, admitted to the taco tossing, but said she did it out of frustration and did not mean to strike her mother. Lankford’s mother was not injured by the airborne tacos, which are not further described in the affidavit.

    Lankford was charged with domestic battery, a misdemeanor, and booked into the county jail. She was released from custody yesterday morning on $100 bond. A judge has ordered her to have no contact with her mother.

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    An accused auto burglar told cops that he broke into a vehicle so that he could “see his imaginary girlfriend Emma,” with whom he visits while “tripping on meth,” according to a Florida police report.

    Matthew Huber, 43, was arrested Tuesday evening after witnesses spotted him attempting to burglarize a Nissan truck parked outside a Walmart in Vero Beach.

    During police questioning, Huber reportedly admitted to opening the vehicle’s tailgate and “looking for something to take.” Huber, seen above, explained that he intended to then “sell those things for some meth, so he can see Emma.”

    Pictured above, Huber explained to cops that he was “attempting to get in the vehicle to see his imaginary girlfriend Emma,” adding that he only sees Emma “when he’s tripping on meth.”

    Huber was arrested for burglary and carrying a concealed weapon--a butterfly knife--during the commission of a criminal offense. He is locked up on $10,000 bond on the two felony counts. Huber’s rap sheet includes convictions for grand theft, robbery, narcotics possession, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

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    After demanding that an interloper get off his sprawling lawn, a 90-year-old Florida Man twice punched a neighbor in the face, according to cops who arrested the rowdy nonagenarian for battery and resisting arrest.

    Police say Thomas Conrad was busted Saturday afternoon following a dispute over a gardener cutting grass outside his home in Sorrento, a city 30 miles from Orlando.

    Conrad’s next-door neighbor, Jack Henson, 46, told police that his “lawn guy was being yelled at by [Conrad] for being on his property while cutting the grass.” Conrad recalled telling the gardener to “get off his property,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    After asking Conrad “numerous times” to leave them alone, Henson recalled, an “agitated and aggressive” Conrad declared, “I should punch you.” Henson said he replied, “Go ahead, but I wouldn’t advise or police will get called.”

    Cops allege that Conrad (seen at right) then punched Henson twice in the face.

    When police later arrived at Conrad’s residence--a $770,000, 3288-square-foot home in the gated RedTail Country Club Community--he was resting and did not want to be disturbed, his 89-year-old wife told deputies.

    After his spouse convinced him to speak with cops, Conrad recalled telling the gardener to get off his lawn (pictured below). He claimed that Henson “told him to punch him in the face and at that time he punched him twice on the left side of his face.” Deputies then asked Conrad “if someone was to ask him to shoot them would he do it?” The retiree replied, “Then I would have shot him.”

    Conrad, cops noted, “advised he did nothing wrong because the victim asked him to punch him in the face.”

    When cops tried to explain that he had committed a battery, Conrad told them to “Get the fuck out of my house” and began to walk away. As deputies sought to take Conrad into custody, he allegedly balled up his fist and refused to place his hands behind his back. After being handcuffed, Conrad was booked into the county jail for battery and resisting police, both misdemeanors.

    Conrad was freed from custody Saturday evening after posting $2000 bond. He is scheduled for arraignment on October 13 and a judge has ordered him to have no contact with Henson.

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    After being found in possession of a pair of “glass smoking pipes” and a “clear crystal substance in drug packaging,” a Missouri man told police that the items were intended for “medicinal methamphetamine usage,” according to criminal complaints.

    Matthew Cusumano, 46, was stopped around 2:45 AM Friday by cops who spotted him riding a bicycle without lights in Madeira Beach, Florida. A records check revealed that Cusumano was wanted on a fugitive warrant issued in June after he failed to appear in a Missouri court on a felony drug charge.

    After Cusumano, seen at right, was taken into custody on the out-of-state warrant, police searched him and found two drug pipes and 10.01 grams of a crystal substance that Cusumano reportedly identified as methamphetamine.

    Cusumano, a sheriff’s deputy reported, claimed that the confiscated items were for “medicinal methamphetamine usage.”

    Despite that explanation, Cusumano was charged with narcotics possession and possession of drug paraphernalia. He is being held in the Pinellas County jail on those two counts as well as the Missouri fugitive warrant.

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    James Kertz needs to work on his photo composition.

    The Missouri man, 38, sought this week to sell new catalytic converters via a post on Facebook Marketplace. As seen above, Kertz included a photo of the boxed auto parts up for sale.

    What Kertz did not realize was the image (click to enlarge) also showed a large bag of methamphetamine and a syringe on a table in the photo’s background.

    After a Facebook user tipped cops to the photo, investigators Wednesday searched Kertz’s residence in Reed Springs, a city outside Branson, and seized meth and a .38 caliber Taurus pistol (which he is barred from possessing due to prior felony convictions).

    During police questioning, Kertz (pictured at right) said that he was unaware that the meth and syringe were in the Facebook photo.

    Charged with drug trafficking and unlawful possession of a weapon, Kertz is locked up without bond in the Stone County jail. His rap sheet includes convictions for endangering the welfare of a child; narcotics distribution; property damage; narcotics possession; violating an order of protection; domestic assault; witness tampering; and resisting arrest.

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    When shoplifting, it is best to wear nondescript clothing so as to make as little an impression as possible on any prospective witnesses.

    Which is to say you should not don a Rob Gronkowski football jersey when boosting watches from a Walmart in the Tampa Bay area.

    Police charge that Joel Lewis, 41, swiped two watches (worth $39.76) from a Walmart in Largo on Saturday afternoon. A store employee provided cops with a description of the suspect “to include the ‘Gronkowski’ jersey he was wearing.”

    Lewis, who was hiding in a bush near Walmart, was apprehended within minutes of the theft. Still in his Gronkowski jersey, Lewis was collared after a short foot chase. He reportedly confessed to stealing the watches and “apologized for his actions,” according to a court filing.

    Lewis, charged with theft and resisting, is being held in the Pinellas County jail on $2150 bond. At the time of his arrest, Lewis was free on $2500 bond in a pending felony battery case (he was arrested on September 20 for allegedly striking his girlfriend during an argument). Lewis’s lengthy rap sheet includes multiple felony convictions and state prison terms.

    After nine seasons (and three NFL titles) with the New England Patriots, Gronkowski last year joined up with Tom Brady on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The 32-year-old tight end (and the 63-year-old quarterback) won another ring in Febnruary when the Buccaneers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl 55.

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    A Florida Woman is accused of battering her boyfriend when he asked to cuddle with her in their bed, police report.

    According to investigators, Kiesel Anthony, 45, was in bed with her boyfriend around 2 AM Wednesday when the 42-year-old victim “asked to cuddle with defendant and defendant said no.”

    Anthony, cops allege, got mad at her boyfriend “for trying to cuddle,” and began yelling and screaming at him in their St. Petersburg home. After throwing a fan, Anthony “grabbed the pole from the fan and hit the victim in the back of the right leg, causing a visible injury.”

    Pictured at right, Anthony was arrested for domestic battery and booked into the county jail. She is being held on $2500 bond and a judge has ordered her to have no contact with the victim.

    In February, Anthony was charged with battering the same man. She subsequently entered into a deferred prosecution agreement requiring her to complete a 12-month domestic violence program (which included 29 weeks of counseling). Prosecutors have moved to revoke that agreement in light of Anthony’s September 22 arrest.

    Anthony’s rap sheet includes prior convictions for welfare fraud; disorderly conduct; evidence tampering; criminal mischief; failure to appear in court; driving with a suspended or revoked license; and leaving the scene of an accident.

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    What is the point of wearing Gucci if nobody knows you are wearing Gucci?

    Wilfride Cesar, 24, was arrested early Monday following a traffic stop in Florida (a trooper clocked his Mercedes going 103 mph). A subsequent search of the vehicle yielded an assortment of packaged marijuana, a scale, and $4339 in cash.

    Cesar and his passenger were arrested on multiple drug charges, including possession with intent to sell. He was booked into the Orange County jail, where the above photo was taken.

    Cesar was subsequently freed on $5100 bond.

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    Meet Izaiah Kirby.

    Following his arrest early last week, the South Carolinan, 18, was charged Friday with two counts of attempted murder, narcotics possession, and possession of a weapon during a violent crime, according to court records.

    Kirby is being held in the Spartanburg County jail on $55,000 bond in connection with the four felony counts. The teen resides in Cowpens, a small town outside Spartanburg.

    As for Kirby’s lustrous flow, he may have difficulty maintaining those glorious locks behind bars since access to product is limited for detainees.

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    A Florida Man who told police that his Donald Trump flag was stolen from his front yard also reported discovering a handwritten message in his mailbox “referencing Antifa” that warned “we are here” and “we are watching.”

    Mark Mazzarella, 69, called cops Friday morning to report the flag theft, which occurred the prior evening, according to a police report. Mazzarella, a registered Republican, lives on a quiet Vero Beach street.

    Upon discovering his flag missing, Mazzarella found a sheet of paper mentioning Antifa and the purported monitoring of his residence by members of the shadowy organization that does not exist.

    The flag pilfering probe is inactive since “there was no tangible evidence left at the scene and there were no close by cameras that could have assisted the investigation.”

    The note--which police took from Mazzarella--did not seem to be the product of some menacing, black-clad militants. “The handwriting,” cops noted, “appears to be that of a child.”

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    A naked woman on a midnight golf cart joyride was arrested early Saturday when she drove through a police perimeter in Florida, cops say.

    While officers were involved in an armed standoff with a teenager, Jessica Smith, 28, drove past several patrol cars while behind the wheel of a golf cart. Smith allegedly ignored a police command to depart the area and continued to approach “the target house of where the armed suspect was on the roof.”

    When Smith, police say, refused to exit the golf cart, she “was assisted out and handcuffed” around 12:05 AM. Smith smelled of alcohol and was “completely nude,” according to a criminal complaint charging her with obstruction, a misdemeanor.

    The complaint lists Smith’s home address as a residence in West Roxbury, Massachusetts. Smith’s parents own a home about a mile from where she was arrested in Dunedin, a city in the Tampa Bay area.

    Investigators allege that Smith’s naked antics “put multiple deputies at risk for potentially getting shot at.”

    Seen above, Smith was released on her own recognizance from the Pinellas County jail around 7 AM Saturday.

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    A Florida Woman is behind bars after allegedly attacking her husband with a plate of spaghetti in a domestic pasta battery that left the victim “covered in meat sauce.”

    Investigators charge that Melissa Daigle, 44, was intoxicated last night during a family discussion that turned violent when she “threw her dinner, a plate of spaghetti” at her spouse.

    The spaghetti struck the torso and lap of Daigle’s husband. “The victim was not injured, just covered in meat sauce,” reported a sheriff’s deputy who responded to the couple’s Largo home.

    Daigle was arrested for domestic battery and booked into the county jail. During a court appearance this morning, a judge barred Daigle from having any contact with her husband and ordered her to be outfitted with an alcohol monitoring device.

    Daigle and the victim have been married for 20 years and the September 1 confrontation occurred in front of the couple’s adult children, cops say.

    Daigle, who works at a Largo bar, was arrested in May for allegedly spitting on her husband and striking him in the face with her car keys during a 1 AM confrontation in their residence. Prosecutors subsequently declined to pursue charges against Daigle.

    Last month, police found a Florida couple “covered in spaghetti” following a 1 AM argument in their Clearwater home. While the combatants were each arrested for domestic battery, prosecutors this week declined to pursue charges against the duo.

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    The naked woman who recently was found skinny-dipping in a stranger’s pool has copped a plea to a pair of misdemeanor criminal charges, according to Florida court records.

    Heather Kennedy, 42, pleaded no contest Monday to trespass and resisting charges in connection with a bizarre July incident at a residence in Port Charlotte. A judge sentenced Kennedy to time she had already served in the Charlotte County jail and fined her $320.

    Kennedy was arrested after James Clark, 69, called 911 upon returning from a doctor’s visit to discover "a naked white female in the pool." As seen above, Kennedy was still in the water when sheriff’s deputies arrived at Clark's home.

    After being coaxed out of the pool, Kennedy struggled with deputies as they attempted to handcuff her.

    Days after being released from custody for the July 19 pool incursion, Kennedy was arrested for breaking into a truck. Along with burglary, theft, and criminal mischief counts, Kennedy (seen at right) was also charged with possession of drug paraphernalia and introducing contraband into a correctional facility.

    The latter two charges stemmed from the discovery by jailers of a methamphetamine pipe inside Kennedy’s vagina.

    Kennedy’s list of legal troubles also includes a probation violation charge related to her conviction earlier this year on a felony narcotics possession rap. Prosecutors contend that Kennedy’s most recent collars violated terms of an April 2021 probationary sentence.

    The narcotics case resulted from a traffic stop that yielded morphine pills, marijuana, and crack and meth pipes. Kennedy denied ownership of the pills, claiming they were the property of "a male by the name of Crackhead Chris," according to a police report.

    Kennedy is being held in the Charlotte County jail in Punta Gorda.