Buster

Here is a tip for perverts everywhere:

If you are planning to masturbate while watching a porno on your phone while at your apartment complex’s outdoor pool, do not connect your device to a Bluetooth speaker because amplified moaning will bring unwanted attention.

Florida police were summoned to The Palms of Clearwater development Sunday night after a witness reported seeing a man “pull his pants down” and “begin to masturbate to a pornographic video on his personal cell phone.”

Cops identified the accused masturbator as Christopher Harris, 51, a resident of The Palms, which describes itself as a “Mediterranean Oasis” only minutes from the Clearwater beaches.

Harris, police noted in an arrest affidavit, “also connected the video to a Bluetooth speaker and began playing the video out loud as he masturbated.” Multiple officers responding to a 911 call observed Harris pleasuring himself by the pool (seen below).

After being read his rights, Harris reportedly admitted to “playing with himself,” adding that when he is intoxicated he does “stupid things.”

Seen above, Harris was arrested for exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor. He was released from the county jail Monday night on his own recognizance. Harris’s rap sheet includes convictions for criminal mischief and battery.

After being caught with a bag of heroin, a drug suspect told cops that his family “sent it to him from Guatemala and that he thought it was chili powder,” according to an arrest report.

Police say that Daniel Ascencio Barrera, 34, was pulled over Thursday evening as he drove in Clearwater, Florida. Ascencio Barrera was initially arrested for driving with a permanently revoked license.

During a subsequent search of Ascencio Barrera’s car, cops found a “large clear bag” containing a 29.7 gram mixture that field tested positive for heroin.

After being read his Miranda rights, Ascencio Barrera reportedly “stated that his family sent it to him from Guatemala and that he thought it was chili powder.”

Along with the driving count, Ascencio Barrera (seen above) was charged with a narcotics trafficking rap (the combined bond for the two felonies is $55,000). Ascencio Barrera is also facing a probation violation charge related to a prior DUI conviction. Additionally, a detainer has also been lodged by Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials against Ascencio Barrera, a Guatemalan native.

A Florida Man charged with indecent exposure offered cops a bizarre explanation as to why he was pleasuring himself in public, according to court records.

Officers were dispatched Sunday morning to a Speedway convenience store in Vero Beach after a 911 caller “advised there was a naked white male screaming at a white female on the side of the road.”

Upon arriving at the scene, officers encountered Jason Roach, with whom they were already familiar. The 40-year-old Roach, cops reported, had been questioned twice the prior evening in connection with alleged masturbation incidents at an Arby’s restaurant and a Wawa convenience store.

In both instances, Roach “stopped and went on his way,” according to a court filing. The third time, however, was not the charm.

A witness told police that Roach (seen above) “was naked and touching himself in the motion of masturbating” while near the Speedway around 6 AM.

When questioned about his activities, Roach reportedly said that he “was having issues with his rectum and in order to get rid of that pain he has to ejaculate.” If Roach offered anything further about his purported maladies, a cop did not include those gory details in an arrest affidavit.

Despite that compelling explanation, Roach was arrested for exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor. He was booked into the Indian River county jail, where he is being held on $50,000 bond.

Roach, who is scheduled for a May 2 arraignment, has previously been convicted of battery; petty theft; violating a protective order; burglary; grand theft; filing false documents; and resisting police.

A Florida Man slapped his girlfriend in the face with a slice of pizza during an argument in their residence, according to cops who reported that the alleged crime scene was sauce splattered.

Police were dispatched Friday afternoon to a residence in Marion County in response to a “911 hang-up.” Upon arriving at the home, officers encountered Ortelio Alfonso, 39, who said he had a “verbal altercation” with the victim, according to a probable cause affidavit.

The woman, however, said the dispute turned violent, telling officers that Alfonso “grabbed a slice of pizza and slapped her in the left side of her face with it.” The woman said the couple had been arguing about the disciplining of their son.

A cop noted that the woman had pizza sauce all over her shirt and the “remnants of pizza in her hair and ear area.” Additionally, the officer reported, “I observed there to be pizza sauce on the walls and the ceiling of the kitchen area which further corroborated the victim’s statement.”

After being handcuffed and read his rights, Alfonso reportedly admitted striking the victim “with the slice of pizza in the face,” adding that he threw the pizza and “did not physically strike the victim with his hands, just with the pizza.”

Pictured above, Alfonso was arrested on a misdemeanor battery count and booked into the county jail (from which he was released Saturday). Alfonso, who works for a landscaping firm and lives in an Ocala suburb, is scheduled for arraignment on March 29.

A Florida Woman battered a convenience store clerk with a pair of Slim Jim beef sticks after being accused of shoplifting, police say.

Cops allege that Kacey Breazeale, 40, was confronted Monday afternoon by the female victim at the exit doors to the store, which is adjacent to a Citgo gas station.

Breazeale “pushed the victim to get past” and then struck the 34-year-old clerk “with 2 Slim Jim beef sticks she was stealing,” reported Officer Joshua Kokaisel of the Pinellas Park Police Department.

The clerk was not injured in the Slim Jim attack (and police did not seize the beef sticks as evidence). Seen at right, Breazeale reportedly admitted to the battery after being read her rights.

Charged with battery, theft, and resisting a merchant, Breazeale is being held in the county jail in lieu of $2650 bond.

Breazeale, who is alternately described as a transient and a St. Petersburg resident in court records, has a lengthy rap sheet that includes several state prison stays and convictions for cocaine possession, burglary, trafficking in stolen property, and theft.