Buster

After causing a three-car crash, a Colorado man--whose blood alcohol content was later measured at over four times the legal limit--explained to arresting officers that he was a “professional drinker,” according to an arrest report.

Investigators busted Matthew Kampmann, a 34-year-old Denver resident, for driving under the influence, careless driving, and operating an uninsured vehicle following a Wednesday afternoon accident earlier this month.

According to police, Kampmann (seen at right) plowed his 2000 Nissan Sentra into the rear of a Subaru stopped in traffic on a street in Wheat Ridge, a Denver suburb. The Subaru then lurched forward and hit a third car.

When cops contacted Kampmann, he allegedly smelled of booze, had bloodshot eyes, and his speech was slurred. When one officer asked another if there was indication of drug use on Kampmann’s part, the suspect piped in: “No drugs man just just just a lot of drinking.”

Kampmann would go on to explain that he was no amateur. “Matthew told me that he was a professional drinker while slurring his speech,” a cop noted. He later described himself as a “professional alcoholic” while preparing to take a breath test that would eventually record a .326 BAC (the state limit is .08).

A search of Kampmann--who said he consumed 10 drinks--recovered an empty Jim Beam shooter in a pants pocket, while “numerous empty and full Jim Beam shooters and several empty Modelo beer cans” littered his car floorboards.

Police later released Kampmann into the custody of his wife, who “was a sober driver.”

In 2020, a Florida Man assured cops that, “I’m a professional drinker” after being pulled over for speeding. George Emmanuel, now 59, had a BAC nearly triple the .08 limit. Arrested for DUI, he later copped to a reduced charge of reckless driving and was sentenced to 12 months probation, ordered to perform 50 hours of community service, and “attend DUI school.” 

Meet Mohammed Abdullah Alabilan.

The 27-year-old Pennsylvania man was arrested yesterday on a petty theft charge for allegedly stealing a lap dance.

Alabilan, cops say, “was buying a service” from a woman inside a Florida strip club when he “refused to pay the $40 service fee.” Seen above, Alabilan sought to leave the Reign nightclub in Clearwater without paying for the 2:45 AM private dance.

A deputy collared Alabilan after being told by a club manager that the patron “had not paid the $40.”

Charged with misdemeanor theft, Alabilan was booked into the county jail, from which he was released last night after posting, of course, $40 bond. A judge has ordered him to stay away from Reign, which features 55 televisions, three full-liquor bars, 30 private dance rooms, and several VIP suites.

Alabilan, seen above, received a bachelor’s degree earlier this year from Alvernia University, a private Franciscan school in Reading, Pennsylvania.

Angry that her Domino’s pizza was delivered “cold and uncut,” a Florida Woman allegedly drove from her residence to the restaurant, where she quarreled with an employee, flung the pizza, and damaged the store’s telephone, according to an arrest report detailing the 1:30 AM altercation.

Police early Saturday arrested Ricqui Holly, 22, for criminal mischief, a misdemeanor, following the alleged pizza rage incident.

After spending the night in jail, Holly, seen at right, was released from custody on her own recognizance. A judge ordered the St. Petersburg resident to stay away from the Domino’s outlet, which is 1.4 miles from her home.

The arrest report does not indicate what, if any, pizza toppings Holly requested (or if any stuffed cheesy bread was part of her order).

Meet Cooper Conti.

The 22-year-old Floridian was arrested this morning for driving under the influence.

In that shirt.

Conti was booked into jail around 5:30 AM on the misdemeanor count, for which bond has been set at $1000. He is scheduled to be arraigned this afternoon.

After posing for the above mugshot, Conti would have been directed to change into a boring orange prison smock, thus denying fellow inmates a glimpse of his unique fashion sense.

In related message t-shirt news, a few favorites from the TSG archive:

* Drunk driver arrested in “Got Beer?” t-shirt

* Man in “All My Friends Are Baked.” t-shirt busted for pot possession

* Oklahoman in “I’m A Drunk” t-shirt nabbed for public drunkenness

* Motorist in “Drunk As Shit” t-shirt popped for DUI

* Father wearing “Greatest Dad” t-shirt jailed for child endangerment

* Man in “Breaking Bad” t-shirt arrested for manufacturing meth

* Man in “I Have A Drinking Problem” t-shirt pinched for drunk driving

* “I Love Midget Porn”

A Sunday night spaghetti dinner turned violent when a 41-year-old man threw the pasta at his mother, striking the victim in the head with the starchy weapon and leaving her splattered with sauce, police allege.

Investigators say Anthony Fiacco last evening had a “verbal argument with the victim that turned physical” in the Florida home where the victim, 61, resides with the accused.

“The spaghetti made contact with the victim who had spaghetti sauce in her hair,” cops reported.

Seen at right, Fiacco allegedly fled the home when officers arrived. After being spotted hiding behind a bush in the backyard, Fiacco sought to run away, but was quickly corralled by police.

Fiacco was charged with domestic battery for the spaghetti incident, as well as resisting an officer. He was booked into the county jail on the misdemeanor counts. 

No weapon was seized by police and it is unclear how long the Sunday gravy had been simmering.

The 5’ 6”, 250-pound Fiacco appeared in court this morning, where a judge ordered him to have no contact with his mother. Fiacco will be allowed a one-time visit--in the presence of law enforcement--to retrieve personal belongings from his St. Petersburg residence.

Fiacco, who also uses the surname “Edlin,” has prior convictions for battery, trespass, violating probation, and throwing a deadly missile into a building. The “missile” was a Heineken bottle he chucked at an apartment window after being asked to leave a party (flying glass hit several individuals).

A man drove three hours from Atlanta, Georgia to South Carolina, where he allegedly tried to remove a gigantic Confederate flag that flies on a property adjacent to Interstate 85, police charge.

Cops responded Saturday night to a 911 call about a trespasser climbing a fence near the towering Spartanburg County flagpole (seen above), which looms over the busy nearby roadway and was erected by a local chapter of the Sons of Confederate Veterans.

Police say they encountered James Daniel Blitch, 23, who was found carrying a Dremel and tool bits when he was arrested.

Blitch reportedly told cops that he “did not agree with the confederate flag and wanted to lower it.” Asked about a reported vandalism the prior night near the flagpole, Blitch, who was described as "upfront and cooperative," denied involvement.

Charged with two trespassing counts, Blitch spent a night in jail before being released from custody Sunday afternoon after posting $465 cash bond.

Blitch, pictured at right, reportedly told cops that he had planned to drive back to Atlanta after lowering the flag. Blitch’s address is listed in court records as his family’s stately home in the upscale Buckhead neighborhood.

Blitch’s parents are both lawyers: his father is a solo practitioner, while his mother is senior counsel at The Coca-Cola Company and a board member of the Georgia Justice Project, a criminal justice reform group.