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    Meet Harrison Wooton.

    The 25-year-old Connecticut man was arrested early yesterday for drunk driving after he crashed his car into a wall outside a graveyard near his home in Woodstock.

    As seen above, Wooton was, of course, wearing a t-shirt declaring “Hold My Beer And Watch This” when he was collared for drunk driving and failure to drive in the proper lane.

    Last month, a Pennsylvania motorist arrested for drunk driving was wearing a “Drunk Lives Matter” t-shirt when collared by police.

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    A Florida man was arrested Saturday morning for a vile incident inside Soapy’s Coin Laundromat, cops report.

    According to an arrest affidavit, Michael Shannon, 57, entered the laundromat around 7:40 AM and proceeded to defecate on the floor of the St. Petersburg business.

    Not content with that disgusting bit of criminality, Shannon then scooped up his own waste, an eyewitness told cops, and approached a Dexter commercial washing machine. Shannon was then seen “taking his own human waste” and “pressing it into the soap loading compartment” of the front loader.

    When a St. Petersburg patrolman responded to a 911 call, Shannon was still in the laundromat (where he was arrested after reportedly confessing). Officer Steven Laurenzi reported that the "crime scene" was “still present upon police arrival.”

    Shannon was charged with criminal mischief, a misdemeanor, and booked into the county jail (where he has frequently been lodged). Shannon’s lengthy rap sheet includes a state prison stretch for robbery.

    Cops estimated damage to the washing machine at $475.

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    An Illinois man is facing animal cruelty charges for allegedly punching a donkey in the face, an attack the suspect recorded and later posted to his Twitter account.

    According to cops, Lucas Dietrich, 18, slugged the donkey while visiting Willoughby Farm in Collinsville, an Illinois city about 12 miles from St. Louis. Dietrich, seen above, was at the farm late last month attending a birthday party.

    Investigators allege that Dietrich punched Amore, a 13-year-old miniature Mediterranean donkey, below the animal’s right ear. The donkey was not seriously injured during the attack.

    Cops learned of the donkey punch after being tipped that a video of the incident had been uploaded to Twitter. In short order police identified Dietrich as the donkey assailant.

    Dietrich was arrested on a pair of misdemeanor animal cruelty charges and booked into the Madison County jail (from which he was released Friday after posting $5000 bond). Dietrich is next due in court on April 27.

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    While en route to jail following his arrest for driving with a suspended license and no insurance, a Florida man declared, “That’s the last time I listen to Wikipedia about driving. It said I would just get a ticket.”

    Justin Miret, 22, was nabbed Friday evening after a cop spotted him running a stop sign in Port St. Lucie. Subsequent checks revealed that Miret’s driver’s license was suspended last year and his auto insurance had been cancelled.

    Miret began screaming at a patrolman, according to an arrest affidavit, and balled his fists up in an apparent attempt to intimidate the cop. Miret, seen above, was subsequently arrested and placed in the rear of a police cruiser, where he could be heard complaining about the faulty legal advice available on Wikipedia.

    Charged with a pair of misdemeanors, Miret is scheduled for an April 11 arraignment hearing. He is free on $1125 bond.

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    An Alabama man being booked into jail for public intoxication had a stolen handgun hidden in a certain body cavity, according to police who noticed that the defendant was walking “strangely” upon arrival at the county jail.

    Jesse Roberts, 23, was collared early today by cops responding to a 911 call about a prowler near a residence in Elkmont, a town outside Huntsville.

    Seen above, Roberts was arrested and transported to the Limestone County jail, where corrections officers took notice of his odd gait.

    As Roberts was being searched, an unloaded Jimenez Arms .380-caliber pistol fell from his rear end into his underwear. “I immediately considered that he defecated on himself before noticing a familiar shape in the form of a pistol in his boxers,” a jailer noted in a report, according to Sheriff Mike Blakely.

    Upon recovering the unloaded weapon from Roberts’s drawers, cops determined that the $100 handgun had been reported stolen out of Florence, a city 50 miles away.

    Along with a misdemeanor public intoxication rap, Roberts is facing charges for receiving stolen property, introducing contraband into a correctional facility, and carrying a concealed weapon without a permit. Roberts is locked up in lieu of $7250 bail.

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    Two weeks after Customs and Border Protection agents at John F. Kennedy International Airport caught this guy with 10 pounds of cocaine affixed to his legs, investigators nabbed another would-be smuggler with narcotics taped to his lower limbs.

    Mayobanex Ruiz Gomez was busted yesterday upon arrival in New York from the Dominican Republic (where he resides). After Gomez “exhibited numerous signs of nervousness” while his suitcase was being examined, he was subjected to a physical search.

    As seen in the above evidence photo, agents subsequently discovered about five pounds of cocaine duct taped to Gomez’s legs. The cocaine, officials said, has an estimated street value of $83,000.

    Gomez was arrested on a federal narcotics smuggling charge.

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    An Oregon man did not make a clean getaway early Sunday after stealing a street sweeper and leading police on a 10-mile chase.

    According to cops, Tyler Haguewood, 33, jumped into the street sweeper around 3:45 AM after the driver, a private contractor, exited the running vehicle to “use a handheld blower in order to clean an area where the street-sweeper could not reach.”

    Haguewood then drove off in the Isuzu street sweeper. Upon learning of the theft, cops in Hillsboro, a city 20 miles outside Portland, quickly located the vehicle on the deserted pre-dawn streets.

    “Officers activated their overhead emergency lights. The street-sweeper failed to yield,” cops say. For 10 miles, officers pursued the street sweeper, which topped out at 65 mph. The chase ended after Haguewood drove over spike strips placed in the roadway by Washington County Sheriff's Office deputies.

    Pictured above, Haguewood was taken into custody without incident and charged with multiple counts, including auto theft and attempting to elude police. He is also facing a parole violation charge in connection with a prior conviction for aggravated harassment.

    Haguewood is being held in the Washington County jail.

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    Meet Carl Puia.

    Like many of his fellow Americans, the 74-year-old Connecticut man dislikes “Kim Kardashian and people like her.” This fact emerged yesterday after Puia was arrested for destroying six copies of “Selfish,” Kardashian’s book of selfies, at a Barnes & Noble near his Glastonbury residence.

    Seen above, Puia turned himself in on an arrest warrant charging him with vandalism for allegedly pouring “a red liquid” over the books last October. Puia, cops report, “left a lengthy typed note for Barnes and Noble stating his dislike for Kim Kardashian and people like her.”

    Puia, free on $2500 bond, is scheduled for a March 22 court appearance on the misdemeanor criminal mischief charge.

    Published in 2015, “Selfish” contains hundreds of photos Kardashian took of herself. Upon releasing the book, Rizzoli described the author as a “trailblazer of the ‘selfie movement.’”

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    Florida cops last night arrested Mr. Toot for cocaine possession, records show.

    After spotting Neil Toot bicycling through a stop sign, a sheriff’s deputy sought to pull over the 51-year-old suspect. Toot, however, kept peddling away and, at one point, “threw something behind him to the right.”

    After Toot eventually dismounted his ride on a Bradenton street, a patrolman retrieved the tossed item, which turned out to be a plastic baggie containing crack cocaine rocks. Toot, seen above, was arrested on a felony narcotics possession charge.

    Toot is being held in the Manatee County jail in lieu of $5000 bond.

    A convicted felon, Toot has previously served state prison time for cocaine possession and aggravated child abuse. His rap sheet also includes collars for drunk driving, battery, probation violation, domestic battery, failure to pay child support, and violating a domestic violence protection order.

    Jail records do not list an alias or nickname for Toot. Like he needs one.

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    Meet Joshua Fletcher.

    The 34-year-old Floridian was arrested early yesterday on a warrant charging him with violating terms of a probation sentence imposed following his guilty plea to a misdemeanor domestic violence charge.

    As Fletcher was being booked into the Duval County lockup in Jacksonville, jailers discovered that he had a large stash of the antidepressant Alprazolam. Specifically, Fletcher was found with 54 pills, which, an officer reported, “appeared to come from the suspect's anus.”

    Seen above, Fletcher was charged with smuggling contraband into a correctional facility, a felony for which he is jailed in lieu of $10,000 bond. Fletcher, scheduled for a March 21 arraignment, has previously been convicted of burglary, cocaine possession, trespass, credit card fraud, and marijuana possession.

    The pills from inside Fletcher were “taken to the property room,” according to an arrest report that does not disclose which poor public servant had to gather up and count the pieces of evidence.

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    Meet Brandon Holbrook.

    The 41-year-old Pennsylvanian is facing criminal charges for allegedly exposing himself to a woman inside the Pequea Valley Public Library in Intercourse, a Lancaster County village.

    Holbrook, whose rap sheet includes a prior indecent exposure collar, allegedly “exposed his genitals” to the 33-year-old victim earlier this month, according to a Pennsylvania State Police report.

    Pictured above, Holbrook is facing indecent exposure and open lewdness counts in connection with the incident at the Leacock Township library.

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    A judge has issued an arrest warrant for a South Carolina woman who allegedly assaulted her ex-boyfriend after “yelling profanities and throwing sex toys around” the victim’s residence, according to a police report.

    Investigators charge that Kelly Godfrey, 30, arrived uninvited last night to the Spartanburg home of her former beau (whom Godfrey dated and lived with for about five months).

    The 34-year-old victim told cops that after he told Godfrey to leave, she “started yelling profanities and throwing sex toys around the residence." A witness told police that an agitated Godfrey was screaming “fags and dildos!” The witness added that he “tried to get Ms. Godfrey to calm down and not yell about dildos” since the victim’s two young children were present.

    Godfrey, seen at right, allegedly struck the victim in the face and threw him around the residence. By the time cops arrived at the victim’s home, Godfrey had already departed. A judge subsequently issued an arrest warrant charging Godfrey with domestic violence. According to court records, Godfrey has two other pending domestic violence cases (for which she is free on bond).

    It is unclear whether anyone was hit by the sex toys that took flight Tuesday evening.

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    In a frenzied doctor shopping spree, a Florida woman was transported by ambulance to seven different hospitals in a 26-hour period in a bid to obtain prescription pain medication, according to police who arrested her for misuse of the 911 system.

    Investigators charge that Kimberly Keener, 40, repeatedly called 911 for transport to hospitals in Pinellas County. Beginning early Thursday morning, Keener, a Bradenton resident, was brought to seven separate hospitals by Sunstar Paramedics, which provides ambulance services in Pinellas County.

    Keener sought to “obtain fraudulent prescription pain medication,” according to an arrest affidavit. Court filings do not indicate what maladies Keener claimed as she repeatedly called 911, or whether her scheme was a success.

    Pictured above, Keener was arrested around 4 AM Friday at St. Petersburg General Hospital, final stop on her 2017 Pill Tour.

    Keener, who reportedly admitted to the scheme, was charged with misuse of the 911 system and obtaining controlled substances by fraud, a felony. Locked up on $5150 bond in the county jail, Keener is also facing a probation violation rap in connection with a misdemeanor theft conviction from late-January.