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    An unidentified man not only stole a $50 sex toy from an Indiana adult novelty shop, but he made his getaway Sunday afternoon in a Dodge minivan, police report.

    The suspect, cops say, entered the Exotica store in Evansville “carrying his own bag,” into which he placed the stolen item, a “Bangin’ Betty” masturbator. The device, which resembles a woman’s rear end and genitalia, features a “dual-entry design” and interior “nubs and ribs for the ultimate in pleasure,” according to its manufacturer.

    Additionally, the “left cheek” of the “Bangin’ Betty” has a “rose tattoo for a lifelike touch.”

    A female employee followed the man as he left with the masturbator (setting off the store’s alarm in the process). As the thief slid behind the wheel of a red Dodge Caravan, the worker knocked on the minivan’s window. “But the suspect ignored her, started the vehicle and then left the scene,” police noted.

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    A Florida man wearing a hockey mask painted with a Confederate flag was arrested Friday after refusing police directions to remove the mask as he took part in a protest in support of keeping a statue of a Confederate soldier that was erected outside the county courthouse.

    Ryan Hawks, 39, was collared in front of the Hernando County courthouse for wearing a mask or hood that concealed his identity.

    According to police, Hawks “approached several law enforcement officers while wearing the mask and was advised of the law violation.” Upon being told a second time that he was breaking the law, the 6’, 240-pound Hawk reportedly replied, "You want me to remove the mask? Good luck with that."

    Hawks was freed from jail late Friday night after posting $500 bond.

    According to court records, Hawks’s rap sheet includes a felony grand theft conviction for which he was sentenced to probation. Upon violating terms of his release, Hawks was sentenced to nine months in the county jail. A father of four young children, Hawks was working in the kitchen of an Applebee’s at the time of his 2013 probation violation.

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    A Florida man arrested yesterday for stealing items from a Kmart told police that the “Illuminati made me do it.”

    Brian Isola, 30, was busted Thursday morning for allegedly trying to boost items worth $320 from a store in Vero Beach. 

    After reportedly being caught in the act by a patrolman, Isola initially blamed his travails on the Illuminati, the shadowy international organization that runs the world in conjunction with the Rockefellers, George Soros, the Bilderberg Group, and Jay-Z.

    “Your economy caused this,” Isola also explained. “I’m just trying to survive. I needed to take all this to survive."

    Isola also fingered the gays: “It’s all the fags fault, there’s too many fags.”

    Seen above, Isola is being held in the county jail in lieu of $5000 bond.

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    A 77-year-old Florida man doused his 72-year-old girlfriend in “sex lube” after his request to get intimate was rejected by the victim, police allege.

    According to an arrest affidavit, Roger Archambault squirted the lubricant “all over the victim’s shoulder and neck” around 11 PM Friday. Archambault, cops said, “wanted to have sex with the victim” and acted “when she denied him.”

    Police responding to the couple’s Clearwater apartment noted that lubricant “was visible” on the woman, who also had bruises from an earlier confrontation during which Archambault allegedly kicked her in the thigh and grabbed her hand.

    Archambault, who had locked the woman out of their home, denied striking his girlfriend. Investigators contend that he was “under the influence of alcohol and sleeping pills.”

    Pictured above, Archambault was arrested on a pair of battery charges. He is expected to be released from the county jail on his own recognizance, but will be required to wear an electronic alcohol monitor.

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    A nude man walking along an interstate in New Jersey was using a sex toy on himself when his public pleasure session was interrupted by police yesterday.

    Officers responding to a report of a “naked man walking along the tree line on Route 287” discovered Stephen Kurkowiak, 39, in the altogether near mile marker 64 in Mahwah, a Bergen County township about 30 miles north of New York City.

    When Kurkowiak, who lives in upstate New York, was approached by two patrolmen, he stood up and pulled "an object out of his rectum." He then tossed the sex toy over his shoulder, said James Batelli, chief of the Mahwah Police Department.

    Kurkowiak--who was pleasuring himself in view of passing autos--was in possession of a digital camera. Kurkowiak told police that he "liked to get naked and his intention was to film himself."

    Prior to his collar, Kurkowiak had been at a nearby county park (apparently with his clothes on). Seen above, Kurkowiak was charged with lewdness. He is free in advance of a court hearing.

    Kurkowiak’s sex toy, however, remains in police custody. The device, Batelli said, was “recovered and entered as evidence.”

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    A uniformed Hooters waitress was arrested for disorderly conduct after tangling with another female employee at a suburban Chicago branch of the restaurant, cops report.

    Sarah Rivera, 25, was collared last Thursday afternoon, according to police records. Rivera, seen at right, posed for an Oak Lawn Police Department mug shot in her revealing Hooters t-shirt.

    Debreca Green, 24, was also charged with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor, in connection with the July 20 incident. Green’s Facebook page lists her as an employee of the Hooters in Oak Lawn.

    Rivera and Green--both free on $120 bond--are scheduled for a September 5 appearance in Circuit Court.

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    A woman who introduced herself as the “Million Dollar Ho” was arrested last night in a prostitution sting, according to Florida police.

    Cops charge that Debra Thomes, 49, approached an undercover cop who was behind the wheel of an auto parked in a Fort Pierce. After asking the officer if he wanted a date, Thomes entered the vehicle around 8:45 PM..

    Once inside, Thomes “introduced herself as the ‘Million Dollar Ho,’” according to an arrest affidavit. She then allegedly offered to provide sexual services for decidedly less than seven figures--$40 to be exact. Thomes assured the prospective john, “You’re the first one today.”

    Thomes subsequently lifted her dress, exposing her vagina to the undercover cop (who then gave a takedown signal to fellow officers who arrested Thomes for prostitution).

    Pictured above, Thomes was booked into the county jail, where she is being held on $3750 bond. Thomes, who was convicted last month on a felony prostitution charge, has also been convicted of criminal mischief, possession of drug paraphernalia, trespass, resisting an officer, and exposure of sexual organs.

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    Meet Tabatha Lehman and Craig Schultheis.

    The Florida couple was having sex in public around 3 AM yesterday when a patrolman interrupted their tryst (which was taking place outside a closed business in Largo).

    Lehman, 45, and Schultheis, 46, were not pleased to be interrupted by Officer Logan Ward, who reported spotting both defendants “naked from the waist down performing sexual activities on each other."

    Schultheis, Logan noted, repeatedly explained that he was "just trying to get a piece of ass."

    For her part, Lehman repeatedly declared that she was "getting her pussy eaten out," according to a criminal complaint.

    Alcohol may have played a role in the pair’s public display of affection, which resulted in the arrest of Lehman and Schultheis for exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor. The pair was released from jail Monday after spending about nine hours in custody.

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    By any measure, Kevin Gibson is a public nuisance, a convicted felon with dozens of arrests and multiple state prison terms.

    But look at that half-beard!

    Gibson, who has previously graced these pages, was arrested Thursday evening in Miami Beach on felony narcotics charges.

    The 59-year-old drug dealer’s rap sheet includes convictions for most crimes codified in Florida’s criminal statutes (burglary; grand theft; robbery; kidnapping; cocaine sales; disorderly intoxication; battery; trespassing; strong arm robbery; theft; loitering; marijuana sales, etc.).

    Upon Gibson’s inevitable return to the state system, his half-beard will surrender to institutional rules (as seen in the below 2016 Florida Department of Corrections photo).

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    An argument over “whether ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Star Trek’ was a better movie” turned violent Saturday afternoon when an Oklahoma man shoved his roommate to the ground and began choking the male victim, police allege.

    According to an Oklahoma City Police Department report, the cinematic dispute resulted in the arrest of Jerome Dewayne Whyte, 23, for the assault of Burke Bradley Warren, 19.

    During the “Star Wars”/”Star Trek” argument, Warren “became so frustrated” with Whyte that he left the pair’s shared living area and went to his room. As he departed, Warren told Whyte, “You’re just a trick.”

    That comment prompted Whyte to follow Warren into his room, where Whyte allegedly twice shoved his roommate to the floor and then sought to “choke out the victim,” police reported. While being strangled, Warren “went in and out of consciousness.”

    Since police judged Whyte to be the “aggressor in this altercation,” he was arrested for assault and battery. He was also charged with marijuana possession. A post-arrest computer check revealed that Whyte had outstanding arrest warrants in connection with prior convictions for passing bad checks and child abuse. In both of those cases, Whyte failed to pay fines and restitution ordered at the time of his sentencing.

    It is unknown which film Whyte, seen in the above mug shot, believed to be superior. Whyte is currently locked up in the Oklahoma County jail.

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    7/7 UPDATE: A Magistrate Court judge today denied bond to the Smiths, who remain in custody at the Appling County jail. Judge Ronnie K. Lewis ruled that the couple--who spent nearly two weeks on the lam before their surrender--was a flight risk and a danger to the community. Lawyers for the Smiths will have an opportunity to petition for the duo’s pre-trial release during a future hearing in a higher court.

    Two weeks after a Georgia restaurant owner and her teenage daughter were beaten by a couple unhappy with their chicken order, the alleged assailants today turned themselves in to police.

    Nathaniel Smith, 45, and LaTasha Smith, 28, surrendered to face felony charges in connection with the June 22 incident at the Qwik Chik takeout stand in Baxley, a city about 90 miles west of Savannah. The Smiths were the target of a law enforcement dragnet that included police and federal marshals.

    According to investigators, the Smiths (seen below) complained to eatery owner Jeanette Norris that their chicken was cold and that they did not receive a sufficient amount of French fries. When the dispute escalated, Norris dialed 911 (after having refunded the couple’s money).

    As seen in the above surveillance footage, before cops arrived at Qwik Chik, LaTasha Smith attacked Norris with a flurry of punches. When Norris’s 15-year-old daughter sought to aid her mother, Nathaniel Smith sucker-punched the girl in the face.

    Norris was left with two black eyes and a broken nose, while her daughter suffered a concussion and a black eye.

    Following the assault, the Smiths fled in a Cadillac Escalade and remained on the lam until this morning. The couple was being sought on warrants charging them with aggravated battery and cruelty to children. Nathaniel Smith has a prior felony conviction for the sale and distribution of cocaine and marijuana.

    The Smiths, who live in Savannah, have yet to appear before a judge.

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    An Oklahoma man is facing a felony charge after allegedly phoning in a bomb threat to the Muskogee Police Department from a pay phone in the station’s lobby.

    According to cops, Michael Prince Myers, 22, called 911 at 3:30 AM Tuesday to report that he "placed a bomb at the police station." Myers “also stated he was a terrorist and wanted to turn himself in.”

    Investigators quickly determined that the call was coming from inside the precinct house and collared Myers, who is seen above. Myers, a Muskogee resident, is being held in the county jail for making a telephone bomb threat.

    Myers, court records show, was convicted in 2013 on two felony burglary charges (for which he received a suspended seven-year sentence).

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    A bikini contest competitor is facing a battery charge for allegedly clobbering another female contestant over the head with high-heeled shoes, Florida police report.

    According to cops, Erica Kaitlyn Mize, 24, tangled with the victim last month during the Miss Sailfish Regatta Bikini Contest in Stuart on Florida’s Treasure Coast.

    Investigators allege that after the 11 bikini-clad contestants left the stage in Stuart’s waterfront Causeway Park, Mize tussled with the 23-year-old victim (who is the current girlfriend of Mize’s former boyfriend).

    As first reported by Will Greenlee at TCPalm, the victim told cops that Mize (pictured at right) warned her that “you should go to the gyno because you’re in for a rude awakening.”

    The victim said that Mize “hit her on the head with her high heel shoes,” according to a Martin County Sheriff's Office report. The account of the victim--who had a small lump on her head--was backed up by witnesses, cops noted.

    While the report does not further identify the alleged weapon, photos from the bikini contest show that Mize wore a pair of strappy turquoise platform heels (seen at left).

    Mize, cited for misdemeanor battery, was on probation at the time of her bikini contest collar. In mid-April, she was placed on probation for a year following a conviction for marijuana possession.    

    Mize, an aspiring model, works for a Stuart accounting firm, according to a police report.