Buster

A Chipotle manager exposed himself and masturbated in the dining room of a Pennsylvania restaurant, according to police who say that a female victim “felt three squirts of liquid hit her jeans” when she got up to leave the table where the man had allegedly been pleasuring himself.

Following the March 1 incident at the eatery in Camp Hill, a Harrisburg suburb, two women went to the local police station to “report a sexual assault,” according to a March 18 criminal complaint.

The women--one of whom was a former Chipotle employee--detailed an encounter with Kyseem Ransome, the 26-year-old manager. The duo told cops they were seated at a communal table (seen below) talking with Ransome and other employees when Ransome began “doing something with his hands down his crotch.”

One of the women said she saw Ransome “touching his penis outside his pants,” recalling that she was “in denial” and looked away. The woman added that Ransome “grabbed numerous napkins and placed them down by his penis” and subsequently “brought one napkin up from his crotch and placed it on the table. The napkin was sticking to itself.”

The second woman reported noticing Ransome “moving his hands a lot down around his penis,” adding that she “could see him jacking off.”

When the former Chipotle worker got up to leave the table, she “felt three squirts of liquid hit her jeans,” the complaint alleges.

During police questioning, Ransome reportedly “confirmed the incident” in verbal and written statements. He was charged yesterday with multiple misdemeanors, including indecent assault, open lewdness, and indecent exposure.

Ransome was suspended from Chipotle and, if he has not been already, is expected to be fired. Ransome is pictured above wearing his Chipotle uniform in a selfie apparently snapped in the restaurant’s bathroom.

A Wisconsin man who legally changed his first name to “Deez-Nuts” has been arrested following a violent domestic confrontation, police report.

Deez-Nuts Kroll, 42, was busted Tuesday night for battery and disorderly conduct, both misdemeanors, according to a criminal complaint which includes a Green Bay Police Department officer’s observation that, “Deez-Nuts appeared to be highly intoxicated.”

Police allege that Kroll punched and shoved his daughter and tangled with her boyfriend at the E. Walnut Street residence where the trio resides. According to the complaint, Kroll accused his daughter of failing to do small household chores and care for their puppies.

At one point, cops allege, Kroll--who was unencumbered by a shirt--pulled out a BB gun that resembled a pistol.

Kroll was booked into the Brown County jail, from which he was released Wednesday after posting $1000 bond.

Born with the first name Derrick, Kroll originally changed his name to “Dez-Nuts” in 2011, according to court records. Then, six years later, he successfully petitioned to add an “e” to his first name, making it Deez-Nuts. “It was not spelled right,” Kroll noted in a handwritten 2017 name change application.

Pictured above, Kroll has stuck with the middle name “Lee.”

Police report that a suspect made off with a 16-figure haul after burglarizing a Pennsylvania residence earlier this month.

Investigators say that the Bedford home was broken into on February 6 by “an unknown individual” who made off with several pieces of jewelry, silver dollars worth $20, and 2,000,000,000,000,000 in currency.

Zimbabwean currency.

According to a police report, “twenty Zimbabwe 100 trillion dollar bills” were swiped by the burglar.

For some reason, the report values the stolen currency as worth $1 million U.S.. However, the Zimbabwe bills--issued during a period of hyperinflation--are essentially worthless as currency. Instead, they are sold as a numismatic oddity for around $10 apiece.

The burglar also escaped with $30 in loose change.

After being arrested again for trespassing on the grounds of an Ohio library, a suspect explained to police that “a higher power allowed him” to be on the property at 1:20 AM.

Specifically, Carnel Gittens claimed he had “checked with Christ” and secured permission, according to a police report.

Gittens, 28, was arrested early Saturday outside the public library in Sandusky, a city an hour outside Cleveland. Gittens (right) was using an exterior outlet to charge his phone, cops reported.

Gittens--who had twice previously been busted trespassing at the library--cited Christ when a patrolman asked what he was doing on the property. Charged with criminal trespass, Gittens was booked into the Erie County jail, where he remains locked up on $1750 bond.

Following a 2023 arrest, Gittens, who is nicknamed “Cloud,” told police he “was from Canada and he has been wandering Ohio for the past year.”

Christ could not be reached for comment.

The Mississippi woman whose toddler was wearing only a diaper when she took the boy to Walmart on a freezing day was arrested for child neglect, records show.

Kambria Darby, 26, was busted last Wednesday morning following the troubling incident at the Walmart Supercenter near her home in Byram, a Jackson suburb.

Darby was charged with contributing to the neglect or delinquency of a minor and booked into the Hinds County jail.

In a viral video recorded by a Walmart worker, the boy’s lips are trembling as he sits in a shopping cart on his mother’s coat. At one point, Darby tosses a bag of frozen food atop the child’s exposed legs.

When a man confronts Darby and asks, “What’s wrong with you?,” she tells him to lower his voice before twerking in his direction.

Later in the video, a female shopper is seen putting pants and a shirt--which she obtained from a Walmart rack--on the boy. While a stranger is clothing her toddler, Darby stands by scrolling on her phone.

Temperatures on January 17 hovered around the freezing mark. The day before, city government offices were closed due to icy road conditions.

According to a Byram Police Department report, officers seized a 9mm handgun described as Darby’s “personal property.” Darby, the report notes, was arrested after “taking her 2 year old in the store without clothing.”

In a post-arrest Facebook post, Darby denied being a neglectful parent, but said that her children “were taken away from me by CPS.” The “deformation of character is hurting my heart,” she wrote, adding, “They did Jesus the same way.”

A wanted woman who police recently discovered hiding inside a hotel couch has been sentenced to serve two years in prison for drug dealing, records show.

Stacy Usher, 39, was arrested last year after she sold fentanyl to a police informant in Citrus County, Florida.

Earlier this year, Usher pleaded no contest to a pair of felony counts and was sentenced to 24 months of probation, as well as drug offender conditions that included random testing and a prohibition against consuming alcohol.

In late-October, Usher was accused of violating terms of her probation, and a judge subsequently issued an arrest warrant for her. Usher would later beg not to be violated, since she claimed her life would be in danger if sent to prison (Usher said she had once been a “primary witness” against someone who received a 20-year sentence).

Cops caught up to Usher last month at the Bella Oasis Hotel, which advertises itself as “the best hotel in Homosassa Springs, Florida.” As seen in the above police photo, Usher had actually burrowed into a couch in a bid to hide from sheriff’s deputies.

After being extracted from the furniture, Usher was booked into roomier accomodations at the county jail.

Usher, whose rap sheet includes worthless check, fraud, and grand theft convictions, appeared earlier this month in Circuit Court, where a judge revoked her probation and sentenced her to 24 months in state prison.

Usher will soon be committed to the custody of Florida’s Department of Corrections, which does not outfit its dormitories or cells with love seats.