The Trouser Press

As these recent law enforcement reports show, when it comes to trou, if you drop, you're gonna get popped:

1) It was bad enough that his pit bulls just tore apart two innocent little kittens, but when belligerent Toriano Johnson pulled down his pants and told Fort Lauderdale cops they could "kiss my nigger ass," well, that didn't help matters. (4 pages)

2) 53-year-old Selma Troyanoski was just busted for leading Wisconsin cops on a high-speed chase that topped out at a brisk 108 mph. As this criminal complaint shows, when police arrested Troyanoski she was naked from the waist down. Selma, a substitute teacher, explained that she "normally takes off her undergarments during long trips, because she sweats a lot." Christ, we're speechless. (3 pages)

3) Eugene Hasenfus, a former CIA pilot, was once part of the United States's secret effort to arm Nicaragua's contra rebels (and actually got shot down and taken prisoner during one mission). He got captured again recently, but not in a Nicaraguan jungle. This time it was for a none-too-covert peration in a K-Mart parking lot in Wisconsin. (2 pages)